A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked," Boy... what is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in then third-grade too!'
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to then principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Neelam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
1} Ms Neelam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment 'Legs.'
2} Ms Nee lam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
3} Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
4} Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
5} Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
7} Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
8} Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first?
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
9} Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
10} Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
11} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
12} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
13} Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
14} Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Friday, June 06, 2008
External auditor = Prostitute?
I am here now to prove external auditor is similar to a prostitute. 30 points to consider and all of them matches. Believe me.
1. You work very odd hours.
- Yeah. Usually past 12 am.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
- Still considered a cheap labour.
3. You are paid well but your p1mp gets most of the money.
- The boss gets 10 times more than mine now each month
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
- True for outstation jobs.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
- Yup! Lotsa time work for free!
6. You are not proud of what you do.
- No fun, no enjoyment, rushing clients, sometimes being yelled at/yell to, solving problems, meets funny people, you name it. Nothing to be proud of.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
- Hynotize the client yeah!
8. It's difficult to have a family.
- Usually most of the auditors got broke up. And, worst of all, no time to find a new one!
9. You have no job satisfaction.
- Sometimes I do have. If I do with the jobs or people I like.
10. If a client beats you up, the p1mp just sends you to another client.
- Whenever a colleague got fucked up with client, I will take over! Hell Yeah!
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
- Yea, sometimes it even worries others who care about me.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
- True! Why nobody knows what is auditing? "Checking accounts job" Can't you just understand!
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
- Sometimes the hotel doesn't seem to be an enjoying and relaxing place for me anymore.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
- Always.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
- My p1mp drives BM, Merce, Volvo....
16. Your p1mp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
- The p1mp knows how suffering it is, coz they have too "been thru" it.
17. You know the p1mp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
- Monthly salary is 3,300 divided by (8.5 hrs x 21 working days) is $18.5 per hour. In fact my "cost" each day to compute for profit or loss for a particular client is $200 per hour.
18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
- Each day after certain working hour everyone "transformed".
19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
- Underperforming is not the answer for anyone to survive.
20. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
- Yeah.
21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
- We are not wizards. You can't blame all your figures on us!
22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
- Find a good p1mp
23. Your p1mp seems to often abuse you, forgetting that without you, he would not have a business.
- My p1mp said, "we can hire a new one to replace you. You can go and it's not our major concern." Appreciation is zero! Infact, negative.
24. You do all the real work, but the p1mp has a higher stigma and more money, and really just has to "coordinate" the work for you. Sometimes, you wonder if you could just make more money p1mping out yourself.
- Funny, but it's true.
25. You get so brainwashed into the lifestyle, that you don't realize that life can be better, until it is too late.
- I can see some examples around....... quite some of them.. They just can't get out of this line. When they left, they come back. Why?
26. Personal time, or a work/life balance, is meaningless to your p1mp, all he cares about is satisfying the clients.
- P1mp never cares at all!
27. After a few years, you find that all your non-pr0stitute friends are no longer your friends, because you lost touch and your schedule and lifestyle was difficult to manage, and you find that you associate primarily with other pr0stitutes.
- That's what my life goes now.
28. The turnover rate is ridiculously high. Everyone thinks they can do it for a few years, no problem, but after just a few clients railing you, many break under the pressure, or quit for a better life.
- I will never give up until my "maturity" time comes.
29. Most of the time, your job could be performed by a well-trained monkey.
- Hehe. Funny.
30. You thought college was a waste of time.
- I have forgotten 95% of the theories I learned and I think anyone can join the protitution industry as long as quality is there.
1. You work very odd hours.
- Yeah. Usually past 12 am.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
- Still considered a cheap labour.
3. You are paid well but your p1mp gets most of the money.
- The boss gets 10 times more than mine now each month
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
- True for outstation jobs.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
- Yup! Lotsa time work for free!
6. You are not proud of what you do.
- No fun, no enjoyment, rushing clients, sometimes being yelled at/yell to, solving problems, meets funny people, you name it. Nothing to be proud of.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
- Hynotize the client yeah!
8. It's difficult to have a family.
- Usually most of the auditors got broke up. And, worst of all, no time to find a new one!
9. You have no job satisfaction.
- Sometimes I do have. If I do with the jobs or people I like.
10. If a client beats you up, the p1mp just sends you to another client.
- Whenever a colleague got fucked up with client, I will take over! Hell Yeah!
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
- Yea, sometimes it even worries others who care about me.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
- True! Why nobody knows what is auditing? "Checking accounts job" Can't you just understand!
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
- Sometimes the hotel doesn't seem to be an enjoying and relaxing place for me anymore.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
- Always.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
- My p1mp drives BM, Merce, Volvo....
16. Your p1mp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
- The p1mp knows how suffering it is, coz they have too "been thru" it.
17. You know the p1mp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
- Monthly salary is 3,300 divided by (8.5 hrs x 21 working days) is $18.5 per hour. In fact my "cost" each day to compute for profit or loss for a particular client is $200 per hour.
18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
- Each day after certain working hour everyone "transformed".
19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
- Underperforming is not the answer for anyone to survive.
20. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
- Yeah.
21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
- We are not wizards. You can't blame all your figures on us!
22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
- Find a good p1mp
23. Your p1mp seems to often abuse you, forgetting that without you, he would not have a business.
- My p1mp said, "we can hire a new one to replace you. You can go and it's not our major concern." Appreciation is zero! Infact, negative.
24. You do all the real work, but the p1mp has a higher stigma and more money, and really just has to "coordinate" the work for you. Sometimes, you wonder if you could just make more money p1mping out yourself.
- Funny, but it's true.
25. You get so brainwashed into the lifestyle, that you don't realize that life can be better, until it is too late.
- I can see some examples around....... quite some of them.. They just can't get out of this line. When they left, they come back. Why?
26. Personal time, or a work/life balance, is meaningless to your p1mp, all he cares about is satisfying the clients.
- P1mp never cares at all!
27. After a few years, you find that all your non-pr0stitute friends are no longer your friends, because you lost touch and your schedule and lifestyle was difficult to manage, and you find that you associate primarily with other pr0stitutes.
- That's what my life goes now.
28. The turnover rate is ridiculously high. Everyone thinks they can do it for a few years, no problem, but after just a few clients railing you, many break under the pressure, or quit for a better life.
- I will never give up until my "maturity" time comes.
29. Most of the time, your job could be performed by a well-trained monkey.
- Hehe. Funny.
30. You thought college was a waste of time.
- I have forgotten 95% of the theories I learned and I think anyone can join the protitution industry as long as quality is there.
Funny Singapore Radio
Below conversation really happened on Singapore radio recently, I think
some of U in the South had heard it on the radio too.
THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!
DJ : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?
Contestant : Yeah, why not.
DJ : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give
an answer that is opposite to what I have said.
For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant : OK.
DJ : Sun
Contestant : Moon.
DJ : Black
Contestant : White.
DJ : Tall
Contestant : Short.
DJ : Dog
Contestant : Cat.
DJ : Man
Contestant : Woman
DJ : Cock
Contestant : CHIBAI !!!
RADIO SILENCE .........
DJ : ..... these things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a
commercial break here.
some of U in the South had heard it on the radio too.
THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!
DJ : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?
Contestant : Yeah, why not.
DJ : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give
an answer that is opposite to what I have said.
For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant : OK.
DJ : Sun
Contestant : Moon.
DJ : Black
Contestant : White.
DJ : Tall
Contestant : Short.
DJ : Dog
Contestant : Cat.
DJ : Man
Contestant : Woman
DJ : Cock
Contestant : CHIBAI !!!
RADIO SILENCE .........
DJ : ..... these things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a
commercial break here.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Earthquake survival
Due to recent major earthquakes, this is what you should do whenever and wherever the catastrophic event occurs. Remember that stuff about hiding under a table or standing in a doorway? Well, this guy has a completely reverse opinion. It could save your life someday! Travellers, please take note.
EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE: 'TRIANGLE OF LIFE'
My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake. I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries. I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.
The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under something. Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'.
The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.
TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY
1) Most everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.
2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.
3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.
4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on. The back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.
5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.
6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!
7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of frequency' (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.
8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.
9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.
10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.
Spread the word and save someone's life... The Entire world is experiencing natural calamities so be prepared! 'We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly' In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results.
The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions , relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover. There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe , and it was seen in the USA, Canada and Latin America on the TV program Real TV.
EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE: 'TRIANGLE OF LIFE'
My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake. I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries. I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.
The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under something. Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'.
The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.
TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY
1) Most everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.
2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.
3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.
4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on. The back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.
5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.
6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!
7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of frequency' (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.
8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.
9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.
10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.
Spread the word and save someone's life... The Entire world is experiencing natural calamities so be prepared! 'We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly' In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results.
The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions , relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover. There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe , and it was seen in the USA, Canada and Latin America on the TV program Real TV.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
