No offense Gals.. but it's true about the points

Hav a good laugh.
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)

Named Rita (-4)
Rita is a dancer (-6)
Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)


.......
Now what chance do you have??? LMAO!

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Mentally ill patient vs truck driver

A story of a truck driver who is more stupid than a mentally ill patient.

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Health Centre.

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem.... no
wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that" The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"

Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Check this out
- A Fun, Creative Ebook Of Jokes, Wit & Humorous Anecdotes. Just Released. Over 1000 Pages, Spiced With Great Color, Graphics, Sound And Music, Clip Art, Animation, And Fun! Great To Carry Around, And For Gift Season Giving. Free Mini Version Sample.
- Over 460 Pages Of Little Snickers, Medium-Sized Chuckles, And Great Big Belly Laughs.
- Classic Best Man Speeches, Wedding Toasts, Jokes & More. A Huge Collection Of Expertly Crafted Best Mans Speeches Toasts And Wedding Speech Tips. Includes Books To Assist With Speech Delivery, Jokes, Toasts, Bonus Speech Writing Books And Much Much More...

The Joe and John Boat Story

They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it.

Well, here's a good boat story:

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-starters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning.
Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water.
She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time.
I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway..
The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

Check this out
- A Fun, Creative Ebook Of Jokes, Wit & Humorous Anecdotes. Just Released. Over 1000 Pages, Spiced With Great Color, Graphics, Sound And Music, Clip Art, Animation, And Fun! Great To Carry Around, And For Gift Season Giving. Free Mini Version Sample.
- Over 460 Pages Of Little Snickers, Medium-Sized Chuckles, And Great Big Belly Laughs.
- Classic Best Man Speeches, Wedding Toasts, Jokes & More. A Huge Collection Of Expertly Crafted Best Mans Speeches Toasts And Wedding Speech Tips. Includes Books To Assist With Speech Delivery, Jokes, Toasts, Bonus Speech Writing Books And Much Much More...

Lawyer vs Auditor

I've read this about a blonde and a man from the US, but the role changed to professionals in this version, adapted locally. The blonde supposed to be tired and rolled over and the man supposed to be inviting the blonde to play his game, and the moral of the story is do not look down on blonde's intelligence. Anyway, it doesn't matter much. Enjoy.

An auditor and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from
Kuala Lumpur to Kota Kinabalu. The lawyer asks if the Auditor would like to play
a fun game?

The Auditor, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me
$5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the Auditor's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this
torment unless he plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth tothe moon?"

The Auditor doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay", says the lawyer, "your turn." He asks the lawyer,

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Auditor, and hands $500.00. The Auditor says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the Auditor and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Auditor reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Check this out
- A Fun, Creative Ebook Of Jokes, Wit & Humorous Anecdotes. Just Released. Over 1000 Pages, Spiced With Great Color, Graphics, Sound And Music, Clip Art, Animation, And Fun! Great To Carry Around, And For Gift Season Giving. Free Mini Version Sample.
- Over 460 Pages Of Little Snickers, Medium-Sized Chuckles, And Great Big Belly Laughs.
- Classic Best Man Speeches, Wedding Toasts, Jokes & More. A Huge Collection Of Expertly Crafted Best Mans Speeches Toasts And Wedding Speech Tips. Includes Books To Assist With Speech Delivery, Jokes, Toasts, Bonus Speech Writing Books And Much Much More...

Signs of men changed. lol

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

Cooking:
After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

TV:
After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!

LOL


Check this out
- A Fun, Creative Ebook Of Jokes, Wit & Humorous Anecdotes. Just Released. Over 1000 Pages, Spiced With Great Color, Graphics, Sound And Music, Clip Art, Animation, And Fun! Great To Carry Around, And For Gift Season Giving. Free Mini Version Sample.
- Over 460 Pages Of Little Snickers, Medium-Sized Chuckles, And Great Big Belly Laughs.
- Classic Best Man Speeches, Wedding Toasts, Jokes & More. A Huge Collection Of Expertly Crafted Best Mans Speeches Toasts And Wedding Speech Tips. Includes Books To Assist With Speech Delivery, Jokes, Toasts, Bonus Speech Writing Books And Much Much More...

When Mori met Obama

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori, "when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?'
Now, you should say 'Me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who are you?' (Instead of 'How are you?')

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha..'

So then Mori replied 'Me too, ha-ha.. .'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room...

Check this out
- A Fun, Creative Ebook Of Jokes, Wit & Humorous Anecdotes. Just Released. Over 1000 Pages, Spiced With Great Color, Graphics, Sound And Music, Clip Art, Animation, And Fun! Great To Carry Around, And For Gift Season Giving. Free Mini Version Sample.
- Over 460 Pages Of Little Snickers, Medium-Sized Chuckles, And Great Big Belly Laughs.
- Classic Best Man Speeches, Wedding Toasts, Jokes & More. A Huge Collection Of Expertly Crafted Best Mans Speeches Toasts And Wedding Speech Tips. Includes Books To Assist With Speech Delivery, Jokes, Toasts, Bonus Speech Writing Books And Much Much More...

The One Nite Stand

A joke about a man who went for one night stand:

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
"Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management..

Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady."

Check this out
- A Fun, Creative Ebook Of Jokes, Wit & Humorous Anecdotes. Just Released. Over 1000 Pages, Spiced With Great Color, Graphics, Sound And Music, Clip Art, Animation, And Fun! Great To Carry Around, And For Gift Season Giving. Free Mini Version Sample.
- Over 460 Pages Of Little Snickers, Medium-Sized Chuckles, And Great Big Belly Laughs.
- Classic Best Man Speeches, Wedding Toasts, Jokes & More. A Huge Collection Of Expertly Crafted Best Mans Speeches Toasts And Wedding Speech Tips. Includes Books To Assist With Speech Delivery, Jokes, Toasts, Bonus Speech Writing Books And Much Much More...