A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
This is funny
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked," Boy... what is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in then third-grade too!'
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to then principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Neelam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
1} Ms Neelam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment 'Legs.'
2} Ms Nee lam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
3} Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
4} Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
5} Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
7} Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
8} Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first?
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
9} Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
10} Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
11} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
12} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
13} Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
14} Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'
The teacher asked," Boy... what is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in then third-grade too!'
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to then principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Neelam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
1} Ms Neelam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment 'Legs.'
2} Ms Nee lam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
3} Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
4} Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
5} Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
7} Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
8} Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first?
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
9} Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
10} Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
11} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
12} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
13} Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
14} Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'
Friday, June 06, 2008
External auditor = Prostitute?
I am here now to prove external auditor is similar to a prostitute. 30 points to consider and all of them matches. Believe me.
1. You work very odd hours.
- Yeah. Usually past 12 am.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
- Still considered a cheap labour.
3. You are paid well but your p1mp gets most of the money.
- The boss gets 10 times more than mine now each month
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
- True for outstation jobs.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
- Yup! Lotsa time work for free!
6. You are not proud of what you do.
- No fun, no enjoyment, rushing clients, sometimes being yelled at/yell to, solving problems, meets funny people, you name it. Nothing to be proud of.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
- Hynotize the client yeah!
8. It's difficult to have a family.
- Usually most of the auditors got broke up. And, worst of all, no time to find a new one!
9. You have no job satisfaction.
- Sometimes I do have. If I do with the jobs or people I like.
10. If a client beats you up, the p1mp just sends you to another client.
- Whenever a colleague got fucked up with client, I will take over! Hell Yeah!
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
- Yea, sometimes it even worries others who care about me.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
- True! Why nobody knows what is auditing? "Checking accounts job" Can't you just understand!
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
- Sometimes the hotel doesn't seem to be an enjoying and relaxing place for me anymore.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
- Always.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
- My p1mp drives BM, Merce, Volvo....
16. Your p1mp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
- The p1mp knows how suffering it is, coz they have too "been thru" it.
17. You know the p1mp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
- Monthly salary is 3,300 divided by (8.5 hrs x 21 working days) is $18.5 per hour. In fact my "cost" each day to compute for profit or loss for a particular client is $200 per hour.
18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
- Each day after certain working hour everyone "transformed".
19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
- Underperforming is not the answer for anyone to survive.
20. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
- Yeah.
21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
- We are not wizards. You can't blame all your figures on us!
22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
- Find a good p1mp
23. Your p1mp seems to often abuse you, forgetting that without you, he would not have a business.
- My p1mp said, "we can hire a new one to replace you. You can go and it's not our major concern." Appreciation is zero! Infact, negative.
24. You do all the real work, but the p1mp has a higher stigma and more money, and really just has to "coordinate" the work for you. Sometimes, you wonder if you could just make more money p1mping out yourself.
- Funny, but it's true.
25. You get so brainwashed into the lifestyle, that you don't realize that life can be better, until it is too late.
- I can see some examples around....... quite some of them.. They just can't get out of this line. When they left, they come back. Why?
26. Personal time, or a work/life balance, is meaningless to your p1mp, all he cares about is satisfying the clients.
- P1mp never cares at all!
27. After a few years, you find that all your non-pr0stitute friends are no longer your friends, because you lost touch and your schedule and lifestyle was difficult to manage, and you find that you associate primarily with other pr0stitutes.
- That's what my life goes now.
28. The turnover rate is ridiculously high. Everyone thinks they can do it for a few years, no problem, but after just a few clients railing you, many break under the pressure, or quit for a better life.
- I will never give up until my "maturity" time comes.
29. Most of the time, your job could be performed by a well-trained monkey.
- Hehe. Funny.
30. You thought college was a waste of time.
- I have forgotten 95% of the theories I learned and I think anyone can join the protitution industry as long as quality is there.
1. You work very odd hours.
- Yeah. Usually past 12 am.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
- Still considered a cheap labour.
3. You are paid well but your p1mp gets most of the money.
- The boss gets 10 times more than mine now each month
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
- True for outstation jobs.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
- Yup! Lotsa time work for free!
6. You are not proud of what you do.
- No fun, no enjoyment, rushing clients, sometimes being yelled at/yell to, solving problems, meets funny people, you name it. Nothing to be proud of.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
- Hynotize the client yeah!
8. It's difficult to have a family.
- Usually most of the auditors got broke up. And, worst of all, no time to find a new one!
9. You have no job satisfaction.
- Sometimes I do have. If I do with the jobs or people I like.
10. If a client beats you up, the p1mp just sends you to another client.
- Whenever a colleague got fucked up with client, I will take over! Hell Yeah!
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
- Yea, sometimes it even worries others who care about me.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
- True! Why nobody knows what is auditing? "Checking accounts job" Can't you just understand!
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
- Sometimes the hotel doesn't seem to be an enjoying and relaxing place for me anymore.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
- Always.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
- My p1mp drives BM, Merce, Volvo....
16. Your p1mp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
- The p1mp knows how suffering it is, coz they have too "been thru" it.
17. You know the p1mp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
- Monthly salary is 3,300 divided by (8.5 hrs x 21 working days) is $18.5 per hour. In fact my "cost" each day to compute for profit or loss for a particular client is $200 per hour.
18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
- Each day after certain working hour everyone "transformed".
19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
- Underperforming is not the answer for anyone to survive.
20. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
- Yeah.
21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
- We are not wizards. You can't blame all your figures on us!
22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
- Find a good p1mp
23. Your p1mp seems to often abuse you, forgetting that without you, he would not have a business.
- My p1mp said, "we can hire a new one to replace you. You can go and it's not our major concern." Appreciation is zero! Infact, negative.
24. You do all the real work, but the p1mp has a higher stigma and more money, and really just has to "coordinate" the work for you. Sometimes, you wonder if you could just make more money p1mping out yourself.
- Funny, but it's true.
25. You get so brainwashed into the lifestyle, that you don't realize that life can be better, until it is too late.
- I can see some examples around....... quite some of them.. They just can't get out of this line. When they left, they come back. Why?
26. Personal time, or a work/life balance, is meaningless to your p1mp, all he cares about is satisfying the clients.
- P1mp never cares at all!
27. After a few years, you find that all your non-pr0stitute friends are no longer your friends, because you lost touch and your schedule and lifestyle was difficult to manage, and you find that you associate primarily with other pr0stitutes.
- That's what my life goes now.
28. The turnover rate is ridiculously high. Everyone thinks they can do it for a few years, no problem, but after just a few clients railing you, many break under the pressure, or quit for a better life.
- I will never give up until my "maturity" time comes.
29. Most of the time, your job could be performed by a well-trained monkey.
- Hehe. Funny.
30. You thought college was a waste of time.
- I have forgotten 95% of the theories I learned and I think anyone can join the protitution industry as long as quality is there.
Funny Singapore Radio
Below conversation really happened on Singapore radio recently, I think
some of U in the South had heard it on the radio too.
THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!
DJ : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?
Contestant : Yeah, why not.
DJ : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give
an answer that is opposite to what I have said.
For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant : OK.
DJ : Sun
Contestant : Moon.
DJ : Black
Contestant : White.
DJ : Tall
Contestant : Short.
DJ : Dog
Contestant : Cat.
DJ : Man
Contestant : Woman
DJ : Cock
Contestant : CHIBAI !!!
RADIO SILENCE .........
DJ : ..... these things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a
commercial break here.
some of U in the South had heard it on the radio too.
THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!
DJ : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?
Contestant : Yeah, why not.
DJ : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give
an answer that is opposite to what I have said.
For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant : OK.
DJ : Sun
Contestant : Moon.
DJ : Black
Contestant : White.
DJ : Tall
Contestant : Short.
DJ : Dog
Contestant : Cat.
DJ : Man
Contestant : Woman
DJ : Cock
Contestant : CHIBAI !!!
RADIO SILENCE .........
DJ : ..... these things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a
commercial break here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
