A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. 'Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!'
Totally taken aback with such a cordial note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
He asks, 'Son, what happened last night?' His son says, 'Well dad, you came home around 3AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door'.
Confused, the man asks, 'So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!'
His son replies, 'Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said, 'LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!''
Moral:
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk - 'PRICELESS'
There are truly some things that both money and MasterCard or Visa can't buy.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Why I fired my secretary
Why I fired my secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
The photographer lol
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer.
'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted
Ms. Pretty looking for a rich guy
A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
........................................
And the reply post:
Dear Ms. Pretty
Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy.
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.
Signed, J.P.
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York . My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden ( ? ) , $250k annual income is not enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
........................................
And the reply post:
Dear Ms. Pretty
Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy.
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.
From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.
Signed, J.P.
The use of medical claim
A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la charges $250.00, Hyatt charges R$280.00, Sheraton charges $230.00. We do it here for $60.00 and I get that back from "Medical Claim".......!
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse" and charged them RM60.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. Shangri-la charges $250.00, Hyatt charges R$280.00, Sheraton charges $230.00. We do it here for $60.00 and I get that back from "Medical Claim".......!
Questions answered..
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at
night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward....
forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Q: What are the 7 qualities of a perfect wife?
A: 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby
looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I
have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters
the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front".
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it
doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at
night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward... backward... forward... backward....
forward... stop and eject.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Q: What are the 7 qualities of a perfect wife?
A: 7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby
looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.
Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I
have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.
Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters
the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy's hand.
Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front".
The Husband Store
What's the Husband Store?
The Husband Store is a store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
The Husband Store is a store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Classic one
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what - metal, wood, stone, Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince ' s pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what - metal, wood, stone, Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and t he prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince ' s pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
Don't Give Up Shopping, Hair and Wine
A married woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight..'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
She replied, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told her.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' she asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' she asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight..'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
She replied, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
SAW V
SAW V
It is not yet over, and the legacy of the jigsaw continues..
Here's a teaser trailer:
Official trailer:
In cinemas this Halloween, October 24th 2008.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
笑談廣東話 - 88
笑談廣東話 88集 你都算沙卜！
Funny rating: ***
笑談廣東話 89集 真係生舊叉燒好過生你!
Funny rating: ***
笑談廣東話 91集 嘩!真係FIT到漏油呀!
Funny rating: ***
笑談廣東話 93集 你咪口水多過茶啦!
Funny rating: ***
Monday, August 11, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
笑談廣東話 - 34, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42
笑談廣東話 34集 你唔係流馬尿下話?
Funny rating: ****
笑談廣東話 37集 鑊
Funny rating: ****
笑談廣東話 38集 堅定流架?(你渣流灘!?)
Funny rating: ****
笑談廣東話 39集 有咩留返拜山先講啦!
Funny rating: ***** LOL
笑談廣東話 40集 你唔好阻住個地球轉啦!
Funny rating: *****
笑談廣東話 41集 你充大頭鬼呀?
Funny rating: *****
笑談廣東話 42集 識?識你條毛!
Funny rating: *****
Sunday, July 27, 2008
笑談廣東話 - 26, 28, 30, 32
笑談廣東話 26集 幾大就幾大,沙蟹就沙蟹!
Funny rating: ****
笑談廣東話 28集 真係靚爆鏡呀!
Funny rating: ****
笑談廣東話 30集 正一豬dum兜!
Funny rating: ***
笑談廣東話 32集 正一阿茂整餅!
Funny rating: ***
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Our Govt - LOL
I must blog this out as it appeared real funny.
An excerpt of the news today:
The state government has defended the purchase of 14 Mercedes E200 Kompressor cars at RM3.43mil for the use of its state executive councillors and senior officials.
Mentri Besar (state governor) Datuk X said the state government had planned to purchase the cars for a long time now to replace its Proton Perdana V6 Executive (locally made luxury car) fleet in a move to cut cost.
“Please understand that the Proton Perdanas go through continuous long-distance journeys. It’s costing us a lot of money due to high cost of maintenance.
“We are not saying that the national car is not good but in reality we are coughing up more money for maintaining the Proton Perdanas, particularly the gear boxes,” he said.
Datuk X cited the example of the Proton Perdana of state Commerce, Industry and Environment committee chairman Toh Chin Yaw, which has twice undergone expensive repairs costing RM50,000 within 36 months.
[ this is the most exciting part of all when it was made to public. Here it goes ]
“In the long run, Mercedes cars are cheaper to maintain and could also save us fuel costs. [LOL]
“This is the state’s long-term plan – we are farsighted. [LMAO!]The cars could also fetch a high market price, when sold as second-hand cars.
“We studied all angles before deciding to buy the Mercedes E200 cars,” he added. [LOLOL!]
Datuk X also denied that the oil royalty money was used to buy the cars.
“In the first place we have yet to receive the oil royalties from the Federal Government.
Comments: Crap! He meant everyone in this world been thinking in short runs. I am thinking in a short run, you are thinking in a short run, and you know what, you are Shortsighted! I don't think his team made a study on the costs and if they did, his team never studied in school. An amazing statement made public by head of a state of Malaysia and the people paid taxes for their 'well-studied' cost budgeting flaw. Even a child knows Mercedes costs run higher than local cars. Only if the Merc are smuggled or replica and he services the Merc himself periodically to save maintenance costs... Only if... but not going to be true... this is Merc Kompressor!
So, there goes the people's money and taxes due to inefficiency of the government's management... Simple to say, stupid! LOL
Cheers!
News excerpt adapted from The Star Online dated 21st July 2008
Related article:
An excerpt of the news today:
The state government has defended the purchase of 14 Mercedes E200 Kompressor cars at RM3.43mil for the use of its state executive councillors and senior officials.
Mentri Besar (state governor) Datuk X said the state government had planned to purchase the cars for a long time now to replace its Proton Perdana V6 Executive (locally made luxury car) fleet in a move to cut cost.
“Please understand that the Proton Perdanas go through continuous long-distance journeys. It’s costing us a lot of money due to high cost of maintenance.
“We are not saying that the national car is not good but in reality we are coughing up more money for maintaining the Proton Perdanas, particularly the gear boxes,” he said.
Datuk X cited the example of the Proton Perdana of state Commerce, Industry and Environment committee chairman Toh Chin Yaw, which has twice undergone expensive repairs costing RM50,000 within 36 months.
[ this is the most exciting part of all when it was made to public. Here it goes ]
“In the long run, Mercedes cars are cheaper to maintain and could also save us fuel costs. [LOL]
“This is the state’s long-term plan – we are farsighted. [LMAO!]The cars could also fetch a high market price, when sold as second-hand cars.
“We studied all angles before deciding to buy the Mercedes E200 cars,” he added. [LOLOL!]
Datuk X also denied that the oil royalty money was used to buy the cars.
“In the first place we have yet to receive the oil royalties from the Federal Government.
Comments: Crap! He meant everyone in this world been thinking in short runs. I am thinking in a short run, you are thinking in a short run, and you know what, you are Shortsighted! I don't think his team made a study on the costs and if they did, his team never studied in school. An amazing statement made public by head of a state of Malaysia and the people paid taxes for their 'well-studied' cost budgeting flaw. Even a child knows Mercedes costs run higher than local cars. Only if the Merc are smuggled or replica and he services the Merc himself periodically to save maintenance costs... Only if... but not going to be true... this is Merc Kompressor!
So, there goes the people's money and taxes due to inefficiency of the government's management... Simple to say, stupid! LOL
Cheers!
News excerpt adapted from The Star Online dated 21st July 2008
Related article:
Sunday, July 13, 2008
笑談廣東話 - 120 - 124, 47 & 50
笑談廣東話 47集 你同我爛屍ga路呀!
Funny rating: ****
笑談廣東話 52 你阿媽大減價益你阿爸
Funny rating: ***
笑談廣東話 124 你宜家即係囉我黎教飛姐
Funny rating: **
笑談廣東話 123集 喳喳淋啦喂！
Funny rating: *****
笑談廣東話 122集 估唔到你反轉豬肚就係屎!
Funny rating: ***
笑談廣東話 121集 你係咪眼大睇過龍啊?
Funny rating: ***
笑談廣東話 120集 我宜家劈炮唔撈喇!!
Funny rating: ***
Monday, June 30, 2008
This is funny too
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.....
Sunday, June 22, 2008
This is funny
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked," Boy... what is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in then third-grade too!'
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to then principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Neelam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
1} Ms Neelam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment 'Legs.'
2} Ms Nee lam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
3} Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
4} Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
5} Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
7} Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
8} Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first?
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
9} Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
10} Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
11} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
12} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
13} Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
14} Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'
The teacher asked," Boy... what is your problem?'
Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in then third-grade too!'
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to then principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Boy.: '9'.
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Boy.: '36'.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, 'I think Boy can go to the third-grade. '
Ms Neelam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?' The principal and Boy both agreed.
1} Ms Neelam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment 'Legs.'
2} Ms Nee lam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
Boy.: 'Pockets.'
3} Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
4} Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
5} Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.
7} Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
8} Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first?
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
9} Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
10} Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
11} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
12} Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
13} Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
14} Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!'
Friday, June 06, 2008
External auditor = Prostitute?
I am here now to prove external auditor is similar to a prostitute. 30 points to consider and all of them matches. Believe me.
1. You work very odd hours.
- Yeah. Usually past 12 am.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
- Still considered a cheap labour.
3. You are paid well but your p1mp gets most of the money.
- The boss gets 10 times more than mine now each month
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
- True for outstation jobs.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
- Yup! Lotsa time work for free!
6. You are not proud of what you do.
- No fun, no enjoyment, rushing clients, sometimes being yelled at/yell to, solving problems, meets funny people, you name it. Nothing to be proud of.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
- Hynotize the client yeah!
8. It's difficult to have a family.
- Usually most of the auditors got broke up. And, worst of all, no time to find a new one!
9. You have no job satisfaction.
- Sometimes I do have. If I do with the jobs or people I like.
10. If a client beats you up, the p1mp just sends you to another client.
- Whenever a colleague got fucked up with client, I will take over! Hell Yeah!
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
- Yea, sometimes it even worries others who care about me.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
- True! Why nobody knows what is auditing? "Checking accounts job" Can't you just understand!
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
- Sometimes the hotel doesn't seem to be an enjoying and relaxing place for me anymore.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
- Always.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
- My p1mp drives BM, Merce, Volvo....
16. Your p1mp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
- The p1mp knows how suffering it is, coz they have too "been thru" it.
17. You know the p1mp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
- Monthly salary is 3,300 divided by (8.5 hrs x 21 working days) is $18.5 per hour. In fact my "cost" each day to compute for profit or loss for a particular client is $200 per hour.
18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
- Each day after certain working hour everyone "transformed".
19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
- Underperforming is not the answer for anyone to survive.
20. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
- Yeah.
21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
- We are not wizards. You can't blame all your figures on us!
22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
- Find a good p1mp
23. Your p1mp seems to often abuse you, forgetting that without you, he would not have a business.
- My p1mp said, "we can hire a new one to replace you. You can go and it's not our major concern." Appreciation is zero! Infact, negative.
24. You do all the real work, but the p1mp has a higher stigma and more money, and really just has to "coordinate" the work for you. Sometimes, you wonder if you could just make more money p1mping out yourself.
- Funny, but it's true.
25. You get so brainwashed into the lifestyle, that you don't realize that life can be better, until it is too late.
- I can see some examples around....... quite some of them.. They just can't get out of this line. When they left, they come back. Why?
26. Personal time, or a work/life balance, is meaningless to your p1mp, all he cares about is satisfying the clients.
- P1mp never cares at all!
27. After a few years, you find that all your non-pr0stitute friends are no longer your friends, because you lost touch and your schedule and lifestyle was difficult to manage, and you find that you associate primarily with other pr0stitutes.
- That's what my life goes now.
28. The turnover rate is ridiculously high. Everyone thinks they can do it for a few years, no problem, but after just a few clients railing you, many break under the pressure, or quit for a better life.
- I will never give up until my "maturity" time comes.
29. Most of the time, your job could be performed by a well-trained monkey.
- Hehe. Funny.
30. You thought college was a waste of time.
- I have forgotten 95% of the theories I learned and I think anyone can join the protitution industry as long as quality is there.
1. You work very odd hours.
- Yeah. Usually past 12 am.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
- Still considered a cheap labour.
3. You are paid well but your p1mp gets most of the money.
- The boss gets 10 times more than mine now each month
4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
- True for outstation jobs.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
- Yup! Lotsa time work for free!
6. You are not proud of what you do.
- No fun, no enjoyment, rushing clients, sometimes being yelled at/yell to, solving problems, meets funny people, you name it. Nothing to be proud of.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
- Hynotize the client yeah!
8. It's difficult to have a family.
- Usually most of the auditors got broke up. And, worst of all, no time to find a new one!
9. You have no job satisfaction.
- Sometimes I do have. If I do with the jobs or people I like.
10. If a client beats you up, the p1mp just sends you to another client.
- Whenever a colleague got fucked up with client, I will take over! Hell Yeah!
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
- Yea, sometimes it even worries others who care about me.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
- True! Why nobody knows what is auditing? "Checking accounts job" Can't you just understand!
13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
- Sometimes the hotel doesn't seem to be an enjoying and relaxing place for me anymore.
14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
- Always.
15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
- My p1mp drives BM, Merce, Volvo....
16. Your p1mp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
- The p1mp knows how suffering it is, coz they have too "been thru" it.
17. You know the p1mp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
- Monthly salary is 3,300 divided by (8.5 hrs x 21 working days) is $18.5 per hour. In fact my "cost" each day to compute for profit or loss for a particular client is $200 per hour.
18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
- Each day after certain working hour everyone "transformed".
19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
- Underperforming is not the answer for anyone to survive.
20. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
- Yeah.
21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
- We are not wizards. You can't blame all your figures on us!
22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
- Find a good p1mp
23. Your p1mp seems to often abuse you, forgetting that without you, he would not have a business.
- My p1mp said, "we can hire a new one to replace you. You can go and it's not our major concern." Appreciation is zero! Infact, negative.
24. You do all the real work, but the p1mp has a higher stigma and more money, and really just has to "coordinate" the work for you. Sometimes, you wonder if you could just make more money p1mping out yourself.
- Funny, but it's true.
25. You get so brainwashed into the lifestyle, that you don't realize that life can be better, until it is too late.
- I can see some examples around....... quite some of them.. They just can't get out of this line. When they left, they come back. Why?
26. Personal time, or a work/life balance, is meaningless to your p1mp, all he cares about is satisfying the clients.
- P1mp never cares at all!
27. After a few years, you find that all your non-pr0stitute friends are no longer your friends, because you lost touch and your schedule and lifestyle was difficult to manage, and you find that you associate primarily with other pr0stitutes.
- That's what my life goes now.
28. The turnover rate is ridiculously high. Everyone thinks they can do it for a few years, no problem, but after just a few clients railing you, many break under the pressure, or quit for a better life.
- I will never give up until my "maturity" time comes.
29. Most of the time, your job could be performed by a well-trained monkey.
- Hehe. Funny.
30. You thought college was a waste of time.
- I have forgotten 95% of the theories I learned and I think anyone can join the protitution industry as long as quality is there.
Funny Singapore Radio
Below conversation really happened on Singapore radio recently, I think
some of U in the South had heard it on the radio too.
THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!
DJ : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?
Contestant : Yeah, why not.
DJ : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give
an answer that is opposite to what I have said.
For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant : OK.
DJ : Sun
Contestant : Moon.
DJ : Black
Contestant : White.
DJ : Tall
Contestant : Short.
DJ : Dog
Contestant : Cat.
DJ : Man
Contestant : Woman
DJ : Cock
Contestant : CHIBAI !!!
RADIO SILENCE .........
DJ : ..... these things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a
commercial break here.
some of U in the South had heard it on the radio too.
THIS IS REALLY FUNNY!
DJ : Good morning. This is Power 98 & do you want to play a game?
Contestant : Yeah, why not.
DJ : Good. It is a simple game. When I say something you have to give
an answer that is opposite to what I have said.
For eg. when I say Sharp, you have to answer Blunt. OK?
Contestant : OK.
DJ : Sun
Contestant : Moon.
DJ : Black
Contestant : White.
DJ : Tall
Contestant : Short.
DJ : Dog
Contestant : Cat.
DJ : Man
Contestant : Woman
DJ : Cock
Contestant : CHIBAI !!!
RADIO SILENCE .........
DJ : ..... these things sometimes happen and we are on live. Let's take a
commercial break here.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Earthquake survival
Due to recent major earthquakes, this is what you should do whenever and wherever the catastrophic event occurs. Remember that stuff about hiding under a table or standing in a doorway? Well, this guy has a completely reverse opinion. It could save your life someday! Travellers, please take note.
EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE: 'TRIANGLE OF LIFE'
My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake. I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries. I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.
The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under something. Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'.
The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.
TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY
1) Most everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.
2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.
3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.
4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on. The back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.
5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.
6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!
7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of frequency' (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.
8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.
9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.
10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.
Spread the word and save someone's life... The Entire world is experiencing natural calamities so be prepared! 'We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly' In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results.
The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions , relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover. There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe , and it was seen in the USA, Canada and Latin America on the TV program Real TV.
EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON THE: 'TRIANGLE OF LIFE'
My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake. I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries. I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years. I have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.
The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene, unnecessary and I wondered why the children were not in the aisles. I didn't at the time know that the children were told to hide under something. Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'.
The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability that the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.
TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY
1) Most everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' WHEN BUILDINGS COLLAPSE are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.
2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.
3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquake. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.
4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on. The back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.
5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.
6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!
7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of frequency' (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.
8) Get Near the Outer Walls Of Buildings Or Outside Of Them If Possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.
9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.
10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.
Spread the word and save someone's life... The Entire world is experiencing natural calamities so be prepared! 'We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly' In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results.
The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions , relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover. There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe , and it was seen in the USA, Canada and Latin America on the TV program Real TV.
Monday, May 12, 2008
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